Full Court Mom
  • About
  • Blog
  • Contact

If I Could Wish You Away - Bygones

4/20/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
I have been at a loss for words or more specifically, the right words for the last two weeks.  Certainly, I have been busy juggling - I presented at a large New Jersey lawyers conference to hundreds of attorneys continuing their educations; I put the final touches on my novel, Queen Makers and created a loose publicity time line with my amazing publicist; I am creating programming for yet two more conferences; and I have been rehearsing for my upcoming recital in addition to shuffling my little peanut to her dance rehearsals and social engagements.

 To add to that, this Monday, I suffered a rather surprising and debilitating injury to my right eye. Naturally, I chose to share my misfortune with my friends and family on social media because, dammit, I wanted sympathy and also I needed a public announcement that a) I couldn't see, b) whatever people were asking of me would have to wait and c) I could use a ride...anywhere.  

For those of you who need a good laugh, I took a tennis ball in the eye - directly in my eye.  Literally, did not see it coming. Gives "keep your eye on the ball" a whole new meaning. Terribly embarrassing and worse, painful.  Although my vision is still quite blurry, turns out I will live and hopefully see just fine once this steroid wonder-drug kicks in.

In between the busy stuff  and temporary blindness, during those rare quiet moments, I have been thinking about regrets.  I have more of them than I did a year ago and they haunt me.  It is unnerving.  And I'm not including rushing the net for a volley in the eye as a regret, yet.

I was a big, big fan of "Ally McBeal" when it was on television.  One of the lines I adopted was "bygones."  The character, Richard would say something off the cuff or without diplomacy and follow the statement with "bygones."  So, for whatever reason, I picked up the phrase.  It became a way for me to articulate that I had moved passed a particular issue or that I didn't really care that someone was spreading rumors about me, for example.  "Really? She said that about me?  Huh.  Well, bygones."  Everyone deserves a free pass once in a while, right?

One of the reasons I have been able to live with so few regrets is my deep and full mental adoption of letting go.  Not always forgiving and forgetting, but more like a refusal to spend too much energy worrying about negative events or people.  Of course, I don't ignore bad things or bad people, but bygones had become my way of looking ahead and moving on.

The last few weeks have been a challenge to my bygone methodology.  My regrets came upon me like that contagious stomach virus I suffered through in March - suddenly, violently and traumatically.  All of a sudden, I was faced with all of the consequences of decisions I made all at the same time.  Trying to tackle them all at once became impossible because one seemed to feed off another.  I couldn't offer "bygones" to anyone or any thing because I couldn't see the other side of the problem.  I was unable to push forward.

Instead of trying a little harder to move on, I went with plan B; listen to Adele records (yes, I said records.  Of course I have her on vinyl), sing loudly and pretend all of the demons attacking my well being never existed.  I wished them away.  I wished X never happened; I wished I never met Y; I wished I never said Z; I wished I hadn't gone to A; I wished I hadn't done B...  Poof! None of it ever happened.  Automatic bygones. No need for regrets.  No need for overly solicitous apologies.  Just moving on. 

Well, plan B is a failure.  First of all, some Adele songs are kind of hard to sing.  I just don't have her range - even in the shower where I am a true rock star. But second, I realized I can't really wish away this pack of regrets because they aren't true regrets.  They - the events, the people involved - are actually the catalysts to the changes coming in my life.  Without the most recent chaos in my life disrupting my status quo, I wouldn't have moved toward this goal of a more satisfying and fulfilling life.  I would have continued marching forward in quiet misery, disregarding my most basic emotional needs.

I don't want to wish any of it away after all.  I'm not willing to hand out free passes this time either.  I am willing to close the door - I'm not throwing away the key so fast, but the door is closed so that I can open the next one.  I may be half blind, but I'm smarter. I'm stronger and in the musical words of Elle Woods, "I feel so much better than before." Bygones.

​###




0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Author

    Lauren Fraser is a trial attorney and legal consultant, a dance mom, novelist and manager of life's chaos.   

    Archives

    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

About

BLOG

Contact

Copyright © 2018 Lauren D Fraser
Photo used under Creative Commons from dno1967b
  • About
  • Blog
  • Contact