If I Could Wish You Away - Bygones

I have been at a loss for words or more specifically, the right words for the last two weeks.  Certainly, I have been busy juggling - I presented at a large New Jersey lawyers conference to hundreds of attorneys continuing their educations; I put the final touches on my novel, Queen Makers and created a loose publicity time line with my amazing publicist; I am creating programming for yet two more conferences; and I have been rehearsing for my upcoming recital in addition to shuffling my little peanut to her dance rehearsals and social engagements.

 To add to that, this Monday, I suffered a rather surprising and debilitating injury to my right eye. Naturally, I chose to share my misfortune with my friends and family on social media because, dammit, I wanted sympathy and also I needed a public announcement that a) I couldn't see, b) whatever people were asking of me would have to wait and c) I could use a ride...anywhere.  

For those of you who need a good laugh, I took a tennis ball in the eye - directly in my eye.  Literally, did not see it coming. Gives "keep your eye on the ball" a whole new meaning. Terribly embarrassing and worse, painful.  Although my vision is still quite blurry, turns out I will live and hopefully see just fine once this steroid wonder-drug kicks in.

In between the busy stuff  and temporary blindness, during those rare quiet moments, I have been thinking about regrets.  I have more of them than I did a year ago and they haunt me.  It is unnerving.  And I'm not including rushing the net for a volley in the eye as a regret, yet.

I was a big, big fan of "Ally McBeal" when it was on television.  One of the lines I adopted was "bygones."  The character, Richard would say something off the cuff or without diplomacy and follow the statement with "bygones."  So, for whatever reason, I picked up the phrase.  It became a way for me to articulate that I had moved passed a particular issue or that I didn't really care that someone was spreading rumors about me, for example.  "Really? She said that about me?  Huh.  Well, bygones."  Everyone deserves a free pass once in a while, right?

One of the reasons I have been able to live with so few regrets is my deep and full mental adoption of letting go.  Not always forgiving and forgetting, but more like a refusal to spend too much energy worrying about negative events or people.  Of course, I don't ignore bad things or bad people, but bygones had become my way of looking ahead and moving on.

The last few weeks have been a challenge to my bygone methodology.  My regrets came upon me like that contagious stomach virus I suffered through in March - suddenly, violently and traumatically.  All of a sudden, I was faced with all of the consequences of decisions I made all at the same time.  Trying to tackle them all at once became impossible because one seemed to feed off another.  I couldn't offer "bygones" to anyone or any thing because I couldn't see the other side of the problem.  I was unable to push forward.

Instead of trying a little harder to move on, I went with plan B; listen to Adele records (yes, I said records.  Of course I have her on vinyl), sing loudly and pretend all of the demons attacking my well being never existed.  I wished them away.  I wished X never happened; I wished I never met Y; I wished I never said Z; I wished I hadn't gone to A; I wished I hadn't done B...  Poof! None of it ever happened.  Automatic bygones. No need for regrets.  No need for overly solicitous apologies.  Just moving on. 

Well, plan B is a failure.  First of all, some Adele songs are kind of hard to sing.  I just don't have her range - even in the shower where I am a true rock star. But second, I realized I can't really wish away this pack of regrets because they aren't true regrets.  They - the events, the people involved - are actually the catalysts to the changes coming in my life.  Without the most recent chaos in my life disrupting my status quo, I wouldn't have moved toward this goal of a more satisfying and fulfilling life.  I would have continued marching forward in quiet misery, disregarding my most basic emotional needs.

I don't want to wish any of it away after all.  I'm not willing to hand out free passes this time either.  I am willing to close the door - I'm not throwing away the key so fast, but the door is closed so that I can open the next one.  I may be half blind, but I'm smarter. I'm stronger and in the musical words of Elle Woods, "I feel so much better than before." Bygones.

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