It's been a few months and although a lot has happened - good, bad, ugly and wonderful - I found myself without the words or the energy to talk or write about any of it. Unrelenting stress will do that to a person. I find it strips me of any desire to do anything. But that is not to say I've been stressed out for the entire time I have been absent from the blogosphere, because I certainly have not. I enjoyed some very wonderful experiences with some very wonderful people this summer and those memories will always be treasures to me.
The last few months have been particularly difficult. After emotional and basically awful negotiations, it seems my divorce agreement is complete. The road to get there was long and filled with swear words that I may or may not have invented to appropriately express my feelings, rather heated exchanges, a lot of tears, pointing fingers and bad math. But we're there. The court will have me a legally single girl in a matter of weeks (hopefully). And in an effort to move on and start a new life, I gave up a heck of a lot, which may prove to be an enormous mistake in the end, but my sanity (what little is left) needed to be done. Let's just say, it's a good thing I enjoy mac n cheese from a box.
I realized so much more than I wanted to in this process - about myself, friendship and love. Ever the optimist, I desperately clung to the notion that there is a silver lining and definitely a happy ending just around the corner. Turns out, I needed new glasses. Also turns out, that I am full of it. The happy ending I once saw disappeared before my eyes. Devastated isn't even a strong enough word for how I feel having lost relationships over all of this.
I do apologize for my negativity, but I think I have earned the right to some venting and this is my blog so I can write what I please. Let's just be grateful there hasn't been any cursing...yet. There are so many Pinterest quotes and memes that have instructed me that I deserve people who can appreciate all of me - all of my assets, my flaws, my weirdness, my craziness - and I shouldn't have to beg to be loved by a man or a friend. Even Yoda reminds me of these things. But none of that empowering knowledge prevents the emptiness I feel. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world and it's my current home address. Family and friends have all abandoned me through the process of seeking my legal freedom. It's awful.
And this is why I have cats, by the way. All I need to do is feed them and scratch their heads and the love is unconditional. Cats don't care how insecure I am or how much I need to be loved. And what's great is they can sense my emotions. When I am overwhelmed by the sadness brought on by my reality, they offer me their support. I can't even begin to count how often I have melted into my couch in a puddle of sad and they have rallied around me, rubbing and purring and snuggling. They get me. I can't even get a text from my (now former) best friends.
I have no game plan other than closing down shop for now. Closed for renovations. And I'd like to think that the love I so desperately seek will find me just as soon as I stop pushing so hard for it, because that's what some of those other inspirational Pinterest quotes inform me. But I know I overdo things, which clearly has the opposite affect of what I intend, and so I'm just going to stop doing so much and start simply being.
I've never been great at letting go or moving on. I always remember the beginning - when everything was fireworks and butterflies and coming up roses. There's a song by Feist called Let it Die and these lyrics ring true: "The saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending so much as the start."
Perhaps the saddest part is that I can't even muster the emotional soldiers to be angry or resentful. Instead, I am just disappointed in myself that I missed the train barreling down on me. I could have avoided the misery. Instead, I am second guessing my judgment and my heart. The saddest part is that someone like me, with so much love to give and who gives it out freely and unconditionally is once again left holding the bag. Lucky for the cats, I suppose.
Until morale improves, I'll be on my couch, drinking wine, eating olives and string cheese while binge watching something apropos - probably something with Sarah Jessica Parker in it - and rubbing cat heads. I dare someone to come up with a more pathetic visual.